Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

“Revenge is coming.”

This review I hope will serve as an open letter to Michael Bay and as a warning to anyone who still han’t seen Transformers and may want to stave off the urge to claw their eyeballs out.

A couple of years ago Transformers was announced and I was genuinely excited for it… at first. But then I saw some footage and previews and my heart sank. Not only did these robots bear almost no resemblence to the characters they are supposed to be (let’s face it, Optimus Prime looks like a walking red and blue junk pile) but I think the director loses sight of the Transformers mythology (yes, I said mythology.) and instead makes a movie with giant transforming robots and explosions that could have been based on anything and called anything else.  The movie made millions.

Based on the success of the first movie (because movies with ‘splosions, giant plot holes, and hot chicks sell loads of tickets to prepubesent boys) Michael Bay felt he could profit off of a sequel. So he contacted the guys who were also working on writing Star Trek (Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman) for J.J. Abrams I am thankful that they put their effort into Star Trek, because RotF has plot holes you could fly Unicron through, and I’m willing to bet that the explosions and fire get almost as much airtime than Shia LaBeouf.

I loved Transformers as a kid. Optimus Prime was damn cool, and bordered on being a role-model despite the fact that he was a robot that transformed into a truck. The character of Optimus Prime in these movies is an faint echo of the character I grew up with.

Michael Bay has a longstanding history of fucking up films with potential and making them into horse shit and Transformers is no different. “The Rock”, “Armageddon”, “Pearl Harbor”,… “Transformers”, and now Transformers 2.

Congrats, Michael Bay.

Star Trek (2009)

Let me start out this review by saying truthfully that I have been an unrepentant Star Trek fan since 1986. I watched the original series in syndication as I entered my teens. I really enjoyed ‘Wrath of Khan’ and ‘Voyage Home’, but I really can’t say I was anything more than a casual fan. Then, the new series “Star Trek: The Next Generation” was announced in 1986, the first commercial aired with (then) cutting-edge computer graphics borrowed from Star Trek movies, notably II and IV, and I was hooked. I always made time to watch ‘Next Generation’, then ‘DS9’ (as we true fans call it) to a slightly lesser extent. Then ‘Voyager’ came out and I was disappointed.

Four semi-successful series’ and six movies which ride the spectrum from ‘quite good’, to ‘meh’ later, it was largely believed that Star Trek was dead, or at least relegated to novels and other non-canon related materials, which for the most part I couldn’t be bothered with. After 28 seasons of entertaining television and ten movies perhaps there are no more quality stories to tell.

But, as of this date I’m proud and a little annoyed to report that it’s suddenly popular to be a Star Trek fan. The new movie did exactly what it promised. It re-booted and revived the Star Trek franchise.

This movie did for me what Watchmen failed to provide: an emotional connection to the characters. I grew up watching Kirk, Spock, and (and the sometimes overlooked) McCoy. Yes, I was quite high on Watchmen, but then it is the most celebrated graphic novel of all time, but this is Star Trek.

This movie is awesome. It has equal doses of action, humor, nostalgia, and a clear amount of love for the product. This movie came out of a conversation when J.J. Abrams was asked how he would bring Star Trek back by Paramount, he brought in Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman who have a strong working relationship with Abrams and are both self-professed Trekkies. After seeing how the script was working out, Abrams felt he had to direct this piece, after having seen the movie I can understand why.

Everyone here brought their A game. Chris Pine shows us a young and cocky Kirk whos disarms us along with apparently most of the ladies with his charm. Zachary Quinto shows us an emotionally torn Spock that was only hinted at in the original series. Karl Urban brings us a McCoy who is a little less cantankerous, but maybe a little more argumentative, yet likable. Zoe Saldana shows us an Uhura who not only earns her way onto the Bridge of the Enterprise possibly moreso than anyone else, and is able to reach the depths of the Vulcan soul. John Cho shows us finally what a bad-ass Sulu is with a sword. Simon Pegg gives us a large dose of the comedy with his Scotty and reminded me why he was personally my favorite character for years. Anton Yelchin reminds us how young Chekov really was and how bad the accent still is.

The original series had a habit of showing us bad Starfleet Captains in order to show how awesome Captain Kirk was, that’s gone. Captain Robau (played by Faran Tahir) of the USS Kelvin is almost Picard-like.  George Kirk (Chris Hemsworth) manages to save the crew of the Kelvin despite the odds being firmly against him and evokes Captain Kirk while doing it. Captain Christopher Pike (Bruce Greenwood) is a firm role-model for Kirk in the place of his father.

Star Trek has everything. Anyone who doesn’t like it or still swears that Star Wars is better is going to miss everything awesome and die alone in a ditch covered in petrol on fire.

See it!

“Who watches the Watchmen?”

When news leaked that Rorschach appeared (for one single frame) in the trailer for ‘300’ I was giddy with anticipation. That was back in 2006. I went out (like most other comic book fanboys) and found a copy of the graphic novel so I could re-familiarize myself with the story and characters, and no review of the movie Watchmen would be complete without first talking about the novel so…

I was first struck by the fact that the story itself has held up after twenty years. Sure, it’s clearly an alternate earth story, with Nixon’s third term, and winning the war in Vietnam because of a giant walking, near-naked, blue nuclear arsenal. But at its core the story of Watchmen was created by Alan Moore to showcase the strengths of comics versus other mediums, while at the same time asking the question: What would real people be like if they decided to become ‘Superheroes.’ Most people who ask themselves what they would do with Superman’s powers never really consider what the consequences for their actions would be. Here, we see what some of the repercussions might be.

The story was at the time probably too cerebral for the average comic reader, but it awakened other writers and editors to really up their game and it has since become the most celebrated (and imitated) graphic novel of all time…

Another reviewer said that most hardcore comic fans will find a moment in any comic-film adaptation where you get a ‘giddy feeling in the pit of their stomach manifesting as a scene they had been visualizing for years is played out on the screen, larger than life that literally makes the eyes water.’ I have to agree and for in Watchmen it was the moment that Rorschach opened Edward Blake’s wardrobe to find the secret stash of his costume, weapons, and memorabilia; discovering that Blake was the Comedian. Seeing the costume and weapons on display just as they were in the comic panel just as I imagined it would be. The scene was done slightly different in the comic vs. the movie, but the payoff is still the same. And that obvious love of the original work by the director shows in scene after scene. Shot for shot, panel to panel, the movie is clearly a shrine to Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons’ work.

Zack Snyder attempted what Alan Moore said was impossible and passed with flying colors. He directed the soon-to-be blockbuster that Moore himself declared was unmakable and that many more declared would be unwatchable.

Dave Gibbons often gets forgotten in all this, but he brought those characters to life at least as much as Moore did on the page, and without his help, the movie might not have been as true to the original work.

Patrick Wilson and Jackie Earl Haley were perfect casting choices for Dan Dreiberg (Nite Owl II) and Walter Kovachs (Rorschach) respectively. Wilson was Dan as far as I was concerned, his voice, his inflections… pretty much exactly as I heard him as I read the comic. Haley even moreso.

Billy Crudup is the voice of Jon Osterman (Dr. Manhattan), don’t get me wrong. His calm almost too quiet voice was the perfect contrast to this being of pure power that stood before all the others. My only complant was the nudity (say it with me: Big Blue Penis). I found it distracting from the scenes and the dialogue. Although the scene in which he demonstrates his power by exploding a tank and then crushing it is one of those moments in the film for me. And then theres the line: “I never said, “The superman exists, and he’s American.” What I said was,”God exists, and he’s American.”  Yes, the concept scares me.

Malin Ackerman is one of the few rough parts, her acting is nothing special, though I imagine performance was more physically demanding than say Crudup’s. She physically looks enough like Laurie Juspeczyk (Silk Spectre II) and sounds basically like how I heard her in the comic, but her wooden acting severely detracts from her performance.

Matthew Goode is roughly in the same boat as Malin Ackerman for me. He looked the part but in his attempt to play the role, he just seemed to go through the motions and phone it in. I never found him particularlly believable.

The movie benefitted by having a large amount of heretofore unknowns in the acting world. The biggest name on the marquee was Billy Crudup, and the only reason I knew his name was “Princess Mononoke”, after that it was Matt Frewer and I hadn’t really heard his name since he was “Max Headroom” and shilling for Coca-Cola.

All in all, it was good. I have no regrets about going to the midnight showing and then again the following Saturday. But, I think perhaps the ending was a little too foreshadowed. I give Watchmen 4 stars out of 5.

So, I dragged the same person to this that I saw Twilight with since let’s be honest she owed me one. I sat through two hours of that narcissistic vampire wannabe high school bullshit, the least she can do is watch an Oscar nominated film with me.

Mickey Rourke was extremely believable. I actually forgot the actor playing the man in spandex losing a war of attrition against himself, and for those of you who read my review of Dark Knight know how important that is to me. Though I had trouble believing that a guy who’s gimmick was that he’s has some of the characteristics of a ram (fleece and all) and who’s finishing move is a diving headbutt (the same move that is widely regarded as the reason Chris Benoit had much of his brain damage). I guess I can kind of see it as one of the most popular wrestlers was known as the ‘The Texas Rattlesnake’ and another was the ‘The Brahma Bull’ Chris Benoit was known for many years as ‘The Rabid Wolverine’… so in retrospect his gimmick of ‘The Ram’ is a bit plausible, he was just missing a descriptor. (Randy “The Randy Ram” Robinson)?

Marisa Tomei was in the same league as Rourke, but she never ceased to be the actress I’ve had a crush on since Oscar and My Cousin Vinny, which has more to do with me than her acting ability. I did have an issue with her dialogue when she refers to 80’s bands such ‘Crue’ and ‘Def Lep’… its seemed a bit forced, mind you if I ever have to do a scene where I talked about how great Motley Crue and Def Leopard were… yeah, I’d probably walk off the set on principle.

Randy’s relationship with his daughter struck a chord with me as it reminded me of my relationship with my parents. It’s amazing how easily a mom and/or a dad can become a mother and/or a father through absentee parenting. I found Rachel Evan Wood’s performance quite identifiable as I’ve felt like I’ve been in her situation just not to the extreme shown in the film.

Watching the film, I found myself emotionally invested in his life and sadly watched as he made one bad decision after another. And then as he has one last moment choose between life and glory he says something poignant to Tomei: 

“The only place I get hurt is out there. The world don’t give a shit about me.”

It really sent the whole movie home. Here was a man who spent the vast majority of his adult life wearing down his body night after night and the only thing he had when all was said and done was his dignity and the adulation of the crowd. His daughter never wanted to see him again, going into the ring this last time went against his doctor’s orders, and his stripper girlfriend is now nowhere to be seen. His heart straining, short on breath, but at least he can finish one last match on top.

I walked out of the theater wondering what became of him. (Spoilers here) The ending leaves you hanging. You don’t know if he actually turned around his life or not, or even if he’s still alive at the end. I walked out thinking… ‘Huh… that… was an ending’.

The message they send you home with is that: In the end Randy “The Ram” Robinson was only good at one thing and that was being a professional wrestler. One of the hardest jobs, anywhere.

So, I went and saw it JUST so I could review and explain my opinion of this genre.

I did not, and have no plans to read the series of books partly because I am not a teenage girl, and these books were written with that target audience in mind. So, let’s begin with the movie itself. My friend and I walked into the theatre and as I bought my ticket for Twilight. The guy at the booth reminded me that Quantum of Solace was also playing there, so if I wanted to change my mind I still could… if perhaps there was still hope for me. I thanked him for his kind thoughts and attempt to save my soul… or at least my masculinity. (oh, wait.)

We got into the theatre about a half hour early since the mall was closing and sat through six slides of Hollywood trivia and quotes that replayed at least twenty times. Then I watched the trailers with the vain hope that they would show a trailer for an upcoming movie that I really wanted to see. Fifteen minutes later I was disappointed. No Watchmen. No Star Trek. In retrospect I’m not sure why I expected to see those trailers since I was in effect waiting to see a movie that was written for the same audience that made Titanic the highest grossing movie of all time for a while.

Twilight itself… judging it on its own merits as a stand along feature, it wasn’t a bad movie. I found the concept of “vegetarian vampires” (they only drank the blood of animals) to be a kinda contrived reason as to why this vampire was able to go to a high school in Forks, Washington along with the rest of his “family”. But like Louis from Interview with the Vampire, or Angel from Buffyverse and Constantine from Robin McKinley’s Sunshine fame before him, Edward (played by Robert Pattinson) seems to fall firmly into the strong, silent, brooding, pretentious, conflicted with his own humanity and completely self-involved vampire stereotype that has so many teenage girls (and those that are still stuck in that mentality) pining away for that strong, silent, brooding, pretentious, conflicted with his own humanity and completely self-involved vampire. I think modern fiction is now over-populated with these guys. Whatever happened to the proper vampire? Vlad Tepes, Count Orlock, or even Deacon Frost who put it so eloquently in the first Blade movie: “[Humans are] cattle; pieces of meat. What difference does it make how their world ends? Plague… war… famine. Morality doesn’t even enter into it. We’re just a function of natural selection, man. The new race.” See, it’s gotten to the point where the ‘nice vampires’ now out populate traditional vampires in fiction. And the Louis’, the Angels, the Constantines and the Edwards all fit neatly into a nice cookie-cutter mold. Twilight could just have easily been titled: “Angel: The High School Years” had it been written with Whedon‘s particular gift for dialogue and then either Bella or Edward would likely die given Whedon’s writing style.

This brings me to an ongoing debate I’ve been having with the very friend I watched Twilight with. See, she’s of the opinion that vampires like Angel and Spike (not the actors who play them, mind you) are sooo pretty, to which my response is: ‘They’re vampires, as a rule they view humans as food.’ She then retorts with ‘Angel wouldn’t eat her’, to which my response is: Angelus would. Spike would. And Angel spent most of his unlife as Angelus. Spike spent most of his unlife as a sadistic bastard. And the debate continues with her pretty much saying she’d rather have cold-undead cock than the alternative and with me saying if you wind up dead or undead as a result of pursuing undead cock, don’t come crying to me.

Speaking of women who have next to no concept of self-preservation, there’s the movie’s main character Isabella Swan (played by Kristen Stewart) wouldn’t even have survived day 2 at her new school as a minivan skids nearly into her and her pick-up and would have crushed her in between if not for the ‘valiant’ vampire, Edward. Later as she moves to confront him about what he is, she walks right passed him and into the nearby woods… alone, knowing he’d follow. As the movie progresses I don’t think she makes one single smart decisions even when Edward tries half-heartedly to scare her off. Ms. Stewart also only manages one note throughout the entire film, and it’s “Bella hearts Edward” so much so, she comes off as an idiot in every other aspect of her life. Her first day of school she makes a number of friends and they seem like genuinely good people, but Edward is rude to her in Biology class… guess what she’s fixated on and boderline in tears over when she calls her mom later on… you guessed it! The devsatingly pretty metrosexual guy in her bio class who was rude to her.

About half way through the movie it is explained that the reason why vampires stay out of direct sunlight only because it reflects upon their skin in such a way that it looks like diamonds, which obviously Bella finds to be beautiful. Course, the sunlight could have made him look completely corpsefied and Bella would only have been thinking “I can change him!”. Nevermind the whole sunlight reduces them to so much ash as it does traditionally. I think this only served to take away the stigma of being in love with a member of the undead while simultaneously removing one of their greatest weaknesses. The writer, Stephanie Meyer has apparently openly admitted not knowing a great deal about the vampire mythos and seemingly added and subtracted from the mythos as she felt would be convenient to make her story go where she needed it to. On a similar note, Edward is able to repeatedly resist his baser desire to eat Bella despite her being his ‘own personal heroine’… there comes a point where given the previous examples of Louis, Angel, Spike, or Constantine having the conflicted vampire character be capable of continually resisting their thirst (especially in Edward’s case) seriously cheapens the addiction to and requirement of blood to survive. Eventually, it’ll become such a non-issue that future writers may forget about the thirst completely.

So, all in all… Kristen Stewart was disappointing, but that have been the script she was given. Robert Pattinson is too wooden in a ‘I’m-so-pretty-it-hurts-to-move’ kinda way. I have to give this movie somewhere between a C- to a D+. It’s very much a young adults film, but I expected more out of a film that is getting the kind praise this one is.

When Hancock came to theatres last July I was in no hurry to see it based on the reviews I’d seen and quite frankly the trailers I’d caught didn’t wow me. So, earlier this week, when my roommate wanted to rent some movies we were both fairly ambivalent about seeing Hancock, but neither of us had seen it… so we rented it with kinda a “meh” feeling. After making a point to watch the finer points of the new WWE’s Rock dvd I had to choose between Hancock and Wall-E, I had seen Wall-E already, so…

I was immedately stuck by the fact that this movie would be a lot better if it had been the movie that was promised in the trailers. I was left with the distinct impression that this movie was a sort of “What if Superman existed in the real world and was an asshole?” The story would write itself, have awesome visuals and be laden with comedy gold and might even have a message snuck in there for the kids. But no, we get is “What if a self-centered bum had superpowers?” a contrived concept of how all super-heroes were gods, angels, and heroes in the time of myth and were all immortal, but inexplicably they were ‘built in pairs’ (whatever that means) and then lose their powers if they hang out too long with their opposite… umm… what? And for some reason Hancock doesn’t learn all this until very late in the film from someone who should have said something like say… an hour and a half earlier because his life was at risk.

Let me get this straight. Somewhere in their biology is a gene that decides that they need something resembling normal lives which for some reason strips them of their invulnerability and makes them vulnerable to things like guns. So, when it comes down to it… Can you imagine if you had a genetic predisposition to becoming more vulnerable to harm? And they toss ina love interest for litterally NO REASON. I will say that this movie is based on fun moments the way most Leslie Nielsen films are based on running gags. And its a fun concept right up until they share what they feel super-heroes are.

So yeah, see it if someone else rents it and you’re really, really bored.

Hamlet 2 follows the life of Dana Marschz, a failed commercial actor and half witted theater teacher at a Tuscon school.  His life takes a sharp turn when drama is facing the budget axe and he inherits a class of rejects and gangstas.  (Or as one of the “good” theater students in the movie calls them, “ethnics”.)  In order to redeem drama and be an inspiring teacher, he writes his own play, a ridiculous sequel to Hamlet in which Hamlet gets in a time machine and teams up with Jesus to save Gertrude, Ophelia, and even Claudius.

There are definitely highlights to this movie, most notably the brilliant supporting cast.  Catherine Keener plays the mother of all castrating bitches as Marschz’s wife, Elizabeth Shue does a great Elizabeth Shue, and Amy Poehler has a sweet cameo as a ACLU lawyer who protects the travesty of Hamlet 2 from censorship.  There are great throwaway lines and some good sight gags.

But then there is the constant feeling of awkwardness and shame that one experiences while watching the movie.  For me, the best/worst example is the repeated use of the phrase, “raped in the face.”  As in Coogan’s character exclaiming, “I feel like I’m getting raped in the face,” when drama is cut.  Then, the song in Hamlet 2, “Raped in the Face,” which makes light of a child getting orally molested by a father…in other words, raped in the face by Dad.  At first it was funny, then it was gross, and finally, it was heartless.

I think my biggest concern with this movie is that it treads the line between laughing with and laughing at it’s targets. When it laughs with, it is brilliant.  When it laughs at, I wanted to crawl in a hole and die.

That’s the redunkulousness that is Tropic Thunder. The plot is improbable and well, besides the point. The point is that Hollywood insiders like Jack Black, Ben Stiller, Robert Downey Jr.,  Matthew McConaughey and a fat-suit wearing Tom Cruise use this movie to satirize the narcissism, waste, and deceipt that pervades the movie industry.  While they are all playing to cartoonish types, the dialogue (more than the situations) are perceptive and funny.  My favorite bit, which includes a little bit of spoilerage, is paraphrased below:

Ben Stiller’s character had established that he supported panda rights and then accidentally kills a panda in the dark. So of course, he calls his agent, played by a brilliant McConaughey*, and says, “I just killed the one thing in the world that I love the most.” His agent replies, “You killed a hooker? Holy shit!” When Stiller replies, “No, a panda,” his agent mishears him and says, “Amanda? That’s probably not even her real name.”  While this feels slightly cribbed off an old bit from Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, it’s still funny.

On a final note, there has been much already written about Tom Cruise’s disgusting, profanity spewing movie executive. It’s true, he is simultaneously offensive, perceptive, and funny. But the funny thing about him, as well Matthew McConaughey, is that they are actually trying to act while making this over the top movie. There’s a scene where Cruise is tempting McConaughey to do something really evil, and you can feel the malice radiating off of Cruise and you can see the wheels turning in McConaughey’s head as he tries to make a decision. 

Who knew that it would take a farce, complete with totally gratuitious fart and gay jokes, to make me like these two actors again?

* never thought I’d write that!

In the interests of proper representation, lets review a non-comicbook related movie…

“Shoot first. Sightsee later.”

Two Irish hitmen take a vacation in Bruges, Belguim… antics ensue, film at eleven.

This movie takes you on a beautiful visual tour of the most well-preserved medieval city in the whole of Belgium.  Our story follows Ray and Ken (played by Colin Farrell and Brendon Gleeson respectively) as Ken takes in the rich tapestry of culture that is Bruges, while Ray being a younger guy who apparently grew up in the big city and has ADHD has no time for culture (Dan are you listening?).

However, we quickly learn that they are not simply on vacation when one of them is forced to choose between loyalty, honor, and friendship.

When I saw this movie being advertized at the Uptown I was skeptical about it merits, “Oh great, another plotless action flick that Colo and Shugi can’t wait to see. It’ll be worse than ’War’ and they will love it.”  They both caught it in the theater… I decided not to waste my money. I should have gone, it was great. In Bruges is skillfully written and not only is it funny, it’s also serious and manages to be thoughtful; it has a heart to it, a message… and the message is: “If you’re going to have princaples, make sure the midget is actually a midget.”

This movie is very quotable, my personal favorite pretty much is the reason why Ray reminds me so much of my friend Dan:

Ken: Ray, you are about the worst tourist in the whole world.
Ray: Ken, I grew up in Dublin. I love Dublin. If I grew up on a farm, and was retarded, Bruges might impress me but I didn’t, so it doesn’t.

Ken: We shall strike a balance between culture and fun.
Ray: Somehow I believe, Ken, that the balance shall tip in the favor of culture, like a big fat fucking retarded fucking black girl on a see-saw opposite…a dwarf.

If you have the opportunity, see this movie.

Discuss.